Searching for a Cure

There are two levels of clean in our house:  Kid-approved and Mommy Standards.  When it comes to delegated chores, kid-approved rarely meets Mommy Standards.    I am convinced that children are born with the inability to see dirt. Unless of course it is dirt for digging in or making mud pies, in which case, they can spot it from a mile away.  My kids, great as they are, were born with this defect and I am desperately searching for a cure. 

Case in point: dusting.  This would be one of Elisabeth’s weekly assignments.  She readily agreed thinking it would be easy.  I was thrilled to be rid of this task due to my allergies (to dust, not to cleaning in general).  She completed the job in record time.  What an Energizer Bunny, I thought.  Then I began to survey her ‘work.’  She had selected what she deemed were ‘priority’ surfaces and that is what got dusted.  No one looks at the bookshelves, therefore, they didn’t really need dusting.  Furthermore, dusting in her world means taking a quick swipe around whatever objects are lying around.  Now I know this kid has artistic tendencies, but leaving designs with the dust in my house is not how I want her creativity expressed. 

Case in point two: clean bedroom.  This would be on both girls’ chore lists, but Rachel is the one that baffles the mind here.  Apparently as long as there is a path from the door to the bed, this constitutes “clean.”  While I must allow that the Fire Marshal would probably give his stamp of approval to the room, rarely does it receive a stamp of approval based on Mommy Standards.  Many a time I’ve entered her room for inspection only to wonder what she spent all her “cleaning time” in there doing.  Now before you think my standards are too high, this leads me to…..

Case in point three:  vacuuming.  Back to Elisabeth.  I will readily admit that it is hard to vacuum the carpet if you cannot SEE the carpet.  As vacuuming is one of Elisabeth’s weekly chores, she cannot complete her chores for her allowance if she cannot see the carpet in Rachel’s room in order to vacuum the carpet in Rachel’s room.  My budding fourth-grade Einstein quickly solved this dilemma.  Everything on the floor became relocated to…..the bed.  Vacuuming problem solved.  Bedtime problem created. 

This led to a discussion (complete with eye-rolling by the children) about how we’re all a family and our decisions impact the other members of the family.  Elisabeth suggested that if I removed vacuuming from the chore list, Rachel could stop cleaning her room.  Very helpful.  Rachel was on board with the suggestion.  My girls were presenting a united front.  They were working together for a common goal.  I should have been proud. 

Instead, I suggested that maybe we should just live in a sod house.  I mean, we’re halfway there anyway.  And while we’re at it, why bother with indoor plumbing?  Then we could take “clean bathrooms” off the chore list.  I was on a roll.  No stopping me now.

                            

Do you know why they’re not smiling?

Their house is dirty, so Mama’s not happy, and if Mama’s not happy…..you get it!

 

Unamused, the girls began to see my point.  Turns out they’re rather fond of indoor plumbing. 

So we reached a compromise.  There’s no sod house in our future.  We’ll be meeting a level of clean somewhere between kid-approved and Mommy Standards; no gas masks or white gloves needed.  We’ll call it the Wahlgren Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. 

And it doesn’t need a cure.

Zone Defense (YOLO, part two)

How do you do it? 

It’s a question I’ve been asked often and it refers to the complexity of family life that comes with Jeff traveling so frequently for work.  The simple answer?  Zone defense. 

When we were parents of an only child it was two against one.  I liked those odds and they served us well for almost five years.  Then we added a second child to the mix and we transitioned to a man-to-man defense.  Yet another effective parenting strategy.  Then Jeff’s job began to involve more and more travel which left me with….you guessed it…..zone defense.  We were back to the two against one odds, only this time they were not in my favor. 

Zone defense as a parenting strategy can often be viewed more as survival mode.  You see, parenting was designed as a team sport.  Our winning strategy revolved around man-to-man defense, but sometimes during the course of the game adjustments have to be made.  Sometimes these adjustments mean that the team eats cereal for supper, or that you have to sit through your sister’s concert/sports practice/teacher conference etc.  Think of these as parenting audibles.  They’re not ideal, but often necessary. 

It is at this point that I should mention that I am not athletic.  I do not understand “runners high”.  I think I would have to BE high in order to enjoy running.  I enjoy sports as long as I am a spectator.   If they gave ESPYs for spectating, I might be a contender.  However, in the game of parenting I cannot be a spectator.  Sitting on the sidelines means that inevitably I will have to ask a question like “Why is there a hole in the wall?” or “Is something burning?”  Parenting is the one sport where I am required, despite athletic ability, to be an active participant and not a spectator. 

So back in the zone I go. 

Unfortunately, our version of zone defense meant that one crucial member of our team was often not in the game with us.  He was often calling in plays from a distance, and by the time I received the play call for “1^st and 10” I’d be in a “3^rd and long” scenario and suiting up to punt.  He didn’t like being away from the team so it was time for a change.

In one of the ultimate YOLO (you-only-live-once) expressions he put family first and chose to take a demotion.  He realized that there was not a time in Rachel’s life that he hadn’t been travelling for work.  She had never truly experienced man-to-man defense.  So he took a step backward on the corporate ladder and our team, back to its full roster, moved up in the ratings. 

Do we score on every play? No.  Occasionally we still audible because, well, sometimes it’s fun.  Sometimes we explain to Dad that tonight’s play call is cereal for supper and he can either join the play, or sit on the bench.  But Dad is no bench-warmer.  He got in this game to play.  Pass the Frosted Flakes.

Is everyone happy with the new team dynamic? Not exactly.  Rachel thinks man-to-man defense is awesome---as long as she’s being defended by Dad.  Elisabeth tends to prefer zone defense as it allows for more mistakes by your opponent (a.k.a. parent).  What teenager wouldn’t want that? ‘Ward’ is still trying to figure out his new role in the Cleaver (Wahlgren) family and ‘June’ is adjusting to ‘Ward’ constantly being around.  Now Ward not only knows where the laundry room is, he even learned how to use the new washing machine.  (His only involvement with the previous washing machine was paying for it). 

So if you still want to know how I do it, get your tickets and be a spectator. 

We’re all in the game, and the odds are in our favor.