Liar Liar

Maybe I shouldn't be upset. But I am.

Yesterday my daughter came home from school upset because one of her teachers called me a liar.  She didn't single me out by name, but she might as well have.

She told her class that if their parents had told them that Santa was real then they were liars, because Santa does not exist.  And for that matter neither does the tooth fairy.

Now I realize that teachers have an incredibly tough job.  I've always done my best to do what I can to support them.  But if you're going to call me a liar then you've lost my support, trust and respect.  And what's worse is that my daughter doesn't feel she can trust or respect you now either.  So congratulations teacher.  In one fell swoop you made a difficult job infinitely harder.

You see, my daughter knows who to trust.  I've always been there for her.  Teachers will come and go from her life, but parents are forever. 

I won't try to convince my daughter that she should trust and respect this teacher.  Quite the opposite.  I will explain to her that her teacher was out of line, and that furthermore, she was outright wrong.  And I will use the story of "A Child's Wonder" to make it clear.  The story goes like this…..

"Daddy," she said, her eyes full of tears,

"will you talk to me and quiet my fears?"

Those bad boys at school are spreading a lie

'bout the impossibility of reindeer that fly.

There's no Santa Claus, they say with a grin,

There's not one now and never has been.

How can one man take all those toys

To thousands of girls and boys?

But I told them Daddy, that they were not right.

That I would come home and find out tonight.

Mama said wait until you get home.

Please tell me now that I was not wrong."

Her Daddy looked at her questioning face

And puffed his pipe while his frantic mind raced.

He had put this thing off as long as he could,

He had to think fast and it better be good.

Whispering a prayer, he began with a smile

"Well climb on my lap, dear, let's talk a while."

"Remember at church how we learned to pray,

Asking God to take care of us each day?

And you know how we say grace before each meal?

To this same God whom we know to be real

Though we never see Him, we know He is there

Watching his children with such loving care."

"God started Christmas a long time ago

When He gave us His son to love and to know.

A spirit of giving came with that birth,

And God's generosity filled the whole earth.

Man had to name this spirit of giving

Just as He names all the things that are living."

"The name Santa Claus came to someone's mind

Probably the best name of any to find.

There is, you can see, and I think it quite clear,

Truly a Santa who visits each year.

A spirit like God, whom we never see.

He enters the hearts of your mother and me."

"Each year at Christmas for one special night

We become him and make everything right.

But the REAL spirit of Christmas is in you and in me,

And I hope you are old enough now to see

That as we believe and continue to give,

Our friend Santa Claus will continue to live."

Kids today grow up fast enough.  If my daughter wants to hang on to this part of her childhood, so be it.  It's not hurting anything.

So, to the teacher who tried to break my daughter's spirit, I feel bad for you.  I don't know what the real cause behind your remarks were, but I'm not a liar and your comments were unwelcome and unjustified. 

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go find our Christmas stockings.

Santa may not be coming to your house, but he's definitely coming to mine!

Driving......me crazy!!

I was dumbfounded.  I mean, I know parents aren’t supposed to understand teenagers, but this was something I never saw coming. 

What teenager doesn’t want to learn to drive?

Turns out, mine, and a LOT of others. 

When Elisabeth turned 15 we got her Learner’s Permit.  I figured that what would follow would be an endless stream of “Can I drive?” Instead, my daughter was perfectly happy to be the owner of an item that was only used to fill one of the slots in her wallet.  She had no interest in driving the car.  She had no interest in learning to drive.  Period. 

Jeff and I tried numerous times to talk her into going driving with us.  “No thanks” or “Maybe some other time” were the replies we got.  We couldn’t understand it.  When we turned 15 all we wanted was our Learner’s Permit, and when we turned 16 all we wanted was our Driver’s License.  It represented FREEDOM.  Teenagers today aren’t interested in that.  Apparently we’ve made her home life too satisfying---she has no interest in NOT being at home. 

Granted, things have changed a lot in the time since Jeff and I learned to drive.  Now there are a lot more rules, steps to the process, etc.  It’s become more of a chore than a privilege.  And besides, driving a car involves responsibility, and why would I want to deal with that when I can just Facetime with my friends from the comfort of my own room? 

Why?  Because your mother is tired of driving you around!  With your freedom was supposed to come MY freedom.  I was going to have one less child to chauffeur around.  It was going to be great.  I was already planning what I would do with all that extra time.  But instead of getting her a Driver’s License for her 16^th birthday, we got her Learner’s Permit renewed.  After yet another visit to the dreaded DMV we’re not any further along in the process than we were a year ago.  I explained to her that there would be no more renewals.  The next time I brought her to the DMV she would be getting a LICENSE. 

So it became time to parent tougher.  We decided to treat driving the same way we treated swimming:  you don’t have to like it, but it’s a life skill you need to have.  YOU’RE TAKING LESSONS!!

We signed her up for the April session at Bob’s Driving School (I’m not making this up----that’s the actual name).  She had resigned herself to learning with the agreement that she would start driving her Junior year of high school. 

Then we had the car accident.

On Good Friday as I was driving Elisabeth to school in the morning, a driver went through a red light at 45 mph and we were his unfortunate victims.  We were extremely lucky though.  I had entered the intersection slowly, he swerved as soon as he realized his mistake, and I hit my brakes.  No injuries to people, just two very messed up vehicles.  And one extremely shaken teenager.  I surveyed the damage to my vehicle while wondering about the damage to my daughter’s psyche. 

The story gets better as he shares with me that he is the safe driving instructor at her high school.  (I instantly make a mental note to NEVER let her take safe driving at school and secretly hope that he is in no way connected with Bob’s Driving School.)  He tries apologizing to her and she tries to smile and convince him (and herself) that it’s okay.  But it’s not okay.  She was hesitant to drive before the accident.  Poor Bob will have his work cut out for him now!  Hopefully session one is entitled “Confidence Behind the Wheel”.  She’s going to need it. 

She comes home from the first class and shares with us that Bob takes each of them driving 3 times, but the third time is the driving test.  WHAT?  You’re telling me that after two times behind the wheel Bob thinks you’re going to be competent to drive?  Now I’m wondering if Bob taught the idiot that went through a red light and hit me---he clearly could use a refresher course.  Green means Go, red means STOP!!!!!   Elisabeth claims that Bob said he’s never had anyone not pass the test.  This is going to be like Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone---I can’t wait to see this miracle happen.

After her first driving practice with Bob, she tells me that he has decided she’ll need an extra driving session to gain some confidence.  Well, duh.  I’m no driving instructor, but I could have seen that one coming.  I could try to put on my surprised look, but really I’m just relieved.  Fortunately, she doesn’t seem traumatized by the experience and is not begging to drop the class.  We’re making progress. 

And this is where the ‘fun’ begins.  Armed with all this new knowledge about how to drive Elisabeth seizes the opportunity to point out everything I’m doing wrong while driving.  Literally, EVERYTHING.

“You’re speeding.”

“You forgot to signal that last turn.”

“That’s not the correct position for hands on the wheel.”

“You didn’t wait long enough at that stop sign.”

“Bob says you’re supposed to stop for yellow lights.”

Before I do something I’ll regret, I decide it’s time for an intervention.  I explain to Elisabeth that while she is in Driver’s Ed she should do exactly what Bob tells her.  I also explain to her that there’s “textbook driving” and then there’s reality.  I explain to her that when driving in Omaha, stopping for yellow lights is a fabulous way to get in an accident.  I frequently point out to her that not only did I go through a yellow light, but the two (or three) cars behind me also continued through the intersection.  Had I followed Bob’s directions and stopped, we would be in yet another accident.  She agrees to stop pointing out my mistakes.

If you want a real challenge, try “textbook driving” sometime.  I dare you.  No, I double-dog-dare you.  It’s not as easy as it seems. 

·         Drive 2-3 miles UNDER the speed limit at all times.

·         At stop signs, come to a complete stop BEHIND the stop sign and once the vehicle is at a complete stop, wait two seconds before proceeding.  (This is particularly fun at 4-way stops where most likely someone will start honking at you, or furiously waving you through the intersection)

·         NEVER go through a yellow light.  (Make sure you have good insurance coverage before trying this one---see comments above)

·         Leave the appropriate spacing between your car and the vehicle in front of you.  (Even Bob admitted to Elisabeth that this one is nearly impossible in Omaha because if you leave that much space someone else will fill it)

Good luck with this.  Elisabeth did fine with it because she had such limited time behind the wheel prior to the test that she had virtually no time to develop any bad habits.  Bob actually told her he was glad he didn’t have to “re-teach” her anything her parents had taught her.  You’re welcome, Bob.

Bob decides she doesn’t need the extra driving session after all.  She passes the written test and then the day comes for the driving test.  It begins storming and she places a call to me.

“Can you call Bob and reschedule for me?”

“No.  If you want to reschedule, you’re going to have to deal with Bob yourself, but I’m guessing he probably expects you to know how to drive when it’s raining as well.”

Fast forward about five minutes and the tornado sirens go off.  Elisabeth calls again extremely relieved because Bob agreed that she shouldn’t have to test during a tornado warning.  Four days later, in sunny conditions she passes her driving test missing only a single point and earning the highest grade in the class.  Arthur has pulled Excalibur from the stone (cue the golden beams from heaven).

With that, here are my words of wisdom for our new driver:

·         Horns are for emergencies.  They are not to be used to express emotion.  Don’t be that idiot that honks when he’s annoyed with how other people are driving.  Just smile and wave at him and realize you’re a better driver than he’ll ever be.

·         Don’t run out of gas.  Ever.  You learned the alphabet when you were a little girl.  You know ‘E’ and ‘F’.  ‘E’ is a good letter to start your name with, it’s not a good letter for measuring the amount of gas left in your car.  Be smart enough to keep gas in the vehicle.

·         Don’t be that driver that is endlessly turning left or right.  If you can’t tell that your turn signal is on, your music is too loud.  Or your passengers are.  Either way, remedy the situation. 

·         Don’t be that driver that’s always switching lanes to find the ‘fastest’ lane.  You proved to Bob that you know how to change lanes; you don’t need to show everyone else that you know how.  I can assure you that no other drivers are interested in your demonstration of this ability.    

·         As you have learned firsthand, accidents happen.  Do everything possible so that they are never your fault.  We’ve watched friends bury their children after horrific car accidents.  Your dad and I do not want to know what this feels like. 

·         Remember that Bob lives just down the street, and he knows where you live too.  He believes you can do this and so do we.  Make us all proud of your driving.

After all, you’ve already proven that you’re fantastic at driving……..me crazy!

If you give a mom a Mountain Dew

What my days off are like 

(‘Laura Joffe Numeroff-Style’)………

If you give a mom a Mountain Dew, she’s going to make a to-do list.

When she makes the to-do list, she’ll think she’s going to have a productive day.

She’ll head to her first project in the basement to get started.

When she gets to the basement she’ll see the freezer and remember she needs to thaw something for supper.  So she’ll take out some chicken and head back up to the kitchen.

When she gets to the kitchen, she’ll set the chicken down on the counter and realize she ought to clean the dirty dishes.

After loading the dishwasher, and washing the remaining dishes, she’ll remember a cup she left upstairs and go to retrieve it.

When she gets the cup she’ll notice she hasn’t made the bed yet.

She’ll make the bed and take the dirty laundry to the laundry chute.

Putting the laundry down the chute in the bathroom will remind her that she needs to put more toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom.

On her way to the bathroom she’ll pass the laundry room and see her husband’s suit that she forgot to take to the dry cleaners.

After starting a load of laundry she'll go to get her purse in the front entry and find the stack of books that need to be returned to the library.

So she’ll decide that as long as she’s going to the dry cleaners and the library, she should stop and pick up a few things at Wal-Mart.

While at Wal-Mart she'll remember that she forgot to RSVP for her daughter to attend a birthday party.  She'll also realize she needs to pick up a gift.

An hour and a half later she’ll return home, and probably want to take a nap.

But she’ll realize that it’s the last day for the sale on milk, so she’ll put her grocery list together and head out to Hy-Vee.

When she returns home from Hy-Vee she’ll put away the groceries.  She’ll check the clock to see if she has enough time to get a walk in before picking the kids up from school.

She’ll grab her iPod and go for a walk.

When the walk is finished, she'll remember that she forgot to do the ironing and her husband has nothing to wear to work tomorrow.  

After she gets all the ironing done it’s time to pick the kids up from school.

Then one of the kids will mention that the teacher asked if mom got the email they sent.  So she’ll check her email.

Checking her email she’ll see that she has a message from Facebook that it’s someone’s birthday.

She will RSVP for the birthday party (which she forgot again) and then she’ll log into Facebook.

After 20 minutes she’ll realize it’s time to head for piano lessons.

When she gets home from piano lessons she’ll be greeted by her husband who asks her what’s for dinner.

She’ll realize she forgot to bake the chicken she thawed out that morning and will instead, heat up hot dogs.

At dinner her husband will ask what she did today.

So……........she’ll think of her to-do list.

And chances are, if she thinks of her untouched to-do list,

she’s going to want another Mountain Dew.

Continuing Education and Blue Lights

The search is underway.  It’s not for a missing sock from the laundry (although I have one of those too).  It’s the search to find the right college for Elisabeth.

“You’re looking ALREADY?”

That’s the usual response we get.  My reply? 

“You’re NOT?”

I mean, we’re talking about an incredibly expensive, four-year, setting-the-path-for-the-rest-of-your-life decision.  Why would I leave that until the last minute?

We started having Elisabeth look at campuses when she was in middle school and we were on vacation.  We weren’t taking “official” campus visits, but we started the process of looking at different campuses, talking about those differences and helping guide the discussion so that you can narrow down the choices for the actual “official” visits.  (I should explain that our girls have been raised with the understanding that “you will attend college but you can pick which one and what you study”) Now we’re past that and we’re on the “official” visits.  Through this process, I’m the one getting the education and here’s what I’m learning:

1.  We didn’t start looking too early.  Admissions staff are never surprised that we’re already looking.  Having not been through this as a parent before, there’s a lot of information that is critical to successfully navigating this process and the sooner you have this information the better.  For example, if a school has an early admission deadline of November 1^st, you don’t want to be waiting until Fall Break of your Senior year to be making campus visits---you’re too late.  Oh, and by the way, “early admission” deadlines are different than “early decision” deadlines.  There is a CRITICAL distinction between the two.  Know the difference before you submit anything!  “Junior Day” at most campuses is in April so if you haven’t been visiting any campuses, you won’t know which “Junior Days” you want to attend.  

Also, if you’re going to need letters of recommendation from your teachers (and you are) those letters are better if they come from teachers you have built a relationship with during high school, not a teacher that you had for one semester.  If you don’t find this out until your junior year, you’re too late to start building these relationships.  (Editor’s Note:  one college told us that they also require that these letters come from teachers in “core” classes.  This means that if your orchestra teacher or football coach loves you, that’s great, but they can’t write your recommendation letters for you---they want letters from the teachers of the classes you HAVE to take, not WANT to take). 

2.  Looking early means you know what the college of your choice is looking for, which means that you can work to make yourself their “ideal” applicant.  (This goes with item #1).  Some colleges have very specific entrance requirements; others, not so much.  If your college of choice doesn’t care if you take the ACT or the SAT, then take both and send them your best score.  Some will even take give you the best aggregate score if you take the test multiple times, others require your most recent test.  There are a number of online applications: the universal, the common, and the coalition.  The point here is that a LOT has changed since I was applying for college.  If you have any hope as a parent of helping your child navigate this, you need to educate yourself first.

3.  Official campus visits provide verification that high school physical education is important.  Walking around campuses is EXHAUSTING!  Then you realize that your child will be expected to do this daily, while weighed down with a backpack that, in Elisabeth’s case, might nearly equal their weight.  It makes the goal of 10,000 daily steps that my Fitbit suggests look like a joke. 

This is a low number compared to a campus visit day!

4.  The Student to Faculty ratio is important.  This is not because it will indicate the quality of education that your child will receive, but because it is an important indicator of how much it will COST.  If a school emphasizes their excellent student to faculty ratio, odds are, they are EXPENSIVE.    Which leads me to the next item…..

5.  Colleges don’t like to talk about how much it costs.  Instead they like to emphasize the various scholarships, grants, financial aid and other payment options that are available.  We have long joked with Elisabeth that she can attend any university that offers her a full-ride scholarship----but we’re only half joking.  Thankfully we’re not living paycheck to paycheck which means that any “need-based” scholarships are not an option for Elisabeth.  So, while colleges may not be able to tell us exactly what it’s going to cost, they can give us an idea of how many merit-based scholarships are available.  When you’re looking at colleges that range from $28,000-$45,000 per year, this makes a big difference.  It won’t necessarily be the deciding factor, but it’s better not to have any surprises in this area.  You’ll get to learn all kinds of new acronyms like “EFC” which stands for “Expected Financial Contribution” which is really another way of saying “This is the amount you will need to use to recalculate what year you’ll be able to retire.” 

                             

6.  Colleges do like to talk about how many clubs/organizations they have.   In fact, they like to talk about this A LOT.  Like, mind-numbing, please-stop-talking, A LOT!  There’s the typical clubs that you would expect (including fraternities/sororities), all the way to the unusual/odd clubs like the “Zombie Readiness Task Force.”  (Hint: when the clubs are the only reason your child is interested in a school, it’s time to take that school off the list!)  We’ve been on campus visits where there was more emphasis on the vast array of clubs/organizations than on the actual academics.  The main problem here is that if you will refer to item #5, $45,000 is a lot to pay for your kid to be in clubs.  Don’t get me wrong.  I want Elisabeth to have a blast in college, but ultimately I want her to come out of it with a valuable degree. 

                                      

7.  Mom is always right.  Just kidding here, but we’re finding some truth to this in our search.  No one knows your child better than you do.  I have added some schools to the list of visits that made Elisabeth cringe.  There were other schools she was dying to visit and I thought it would be a waste of time.  The result?  After the official campus visits, a school I added is one of her leading contenders while one of the schools that was originally one of her leading contenders is no longer even under consideration.    When I was looking at preschools for her we ended up on a tour and she was so comfortable she forgot I was there and didn’t want to leave at the end of the tour.  Can you guess what preschool she went to?  Trust your child to make the right choice but don’t hesitate to steer the process. 

                                      

8.  Getting the best “deal” for college is like buying a car.  Elisabeth has been advised by her school counselor to pursue opportunities at schools that she isn’t actually interested in.  Sounds contradictory, right?  Here’s the “deal”….. If a “good” school is interested in you, but you want to go elsewhere, you can use that as leverage to get a better offer from the school you actually want to attend.  Now I detest buying cars so I do not enjoy this part of the process, but I’m willing to go through it for the potential payoff/benefit.  I have 1 ½ years to master negotiating/haggling/strategizing.  I’ll be glad when it’s over.

9.  Going away to college is a good thing.  I’m excited for the possibilities that exist for Elisabeth.  People are amazed that I’m not trying to keep her in Nebraska and close to home.  The truth is, I see a lot of benefit to moving away from home.  Will I miss her?  Absolutely.  Will it be hard to let her move away? Undoubtedly.  Would I trap her here in Nebraska for my own comfort? Never.  The 18+ years we spend with our children is preparing them to leave the nest.  If she doesn’t have her wings to leave the nest at that point, then I have not done my job as a parent.  If you love something, set it free.  If it’s a college student and it loves you, it will come home to visit.  (And will probably bring laundry).  My father-in-law jokes that when your kids ask what they should call you when they’re adults, the correct response is “long distance.”  Based on the interest Elisabeth is showing in study-abroad opportunities, she may be calling VERY long distance!!

                                      

10.  Study abroad opportunities are apparently a critical component to any college experience.  I have yet to visit a campus with Elisabeth and NOT hear about endless study abroad opportunities.  Some schools even REQUIRE it.  I’m all for exposing her to different cultures (she is in the International Baccalaureate Programme for goodness sake) but we’re spending all this time and effort to find her a school so that she can……study somewhere else?  Is it really studying somewhere else or is it taking the fun of the “Zombie Readiness Task Force” on the road to some exotic location?  I’m still a bit skeptical on this one.   I’ve also noticed that no school has yet offered any information on how much study abroad opportunities cost (refer back to item #5), but I don’t need a master’s degree to figure out it’s not included in the printed tuition estimate and probably won’t be cheap.

                             

11.  Campuses are extremely proud of their blue safety lights.  Every single tour guide has proudly pointed them out to us.  I haven’t had the heart to tell them that they had those blue lights back in the Dark Ages when I was in college.  One tour guide at least told us that she only knew of them being used twice, and one of those times was by her, during a campus tour, to notify campus security that a garbage can was on fire.  I appreciate her honesty and believe that she beautifully illustrated the limited value of these blue lights.  I’m willing to go out on a limb here and say that common sense will do more to protect your college student than those blue lights ever will.  Save the blue lights for K-Mart specials.

12.  When packing for college you only need to provide your college student with an ample supply of jeans and pants;  T-shirts are apparently supplied in ridiculous quantities upon arrival.  At least that’s the way it seems from the tour information.  Tour guides have told us about all the different ways you’ll get collegiate t-shirts.  One school even provided Elisabeth with two t-shirts just on the day of her tour.  Is this somehow supposed to make the tuition rate more bearable?  Maybe if we go on enough tours I’ll be able to open a t-shirt store and make enough to pay for tuition.  Or maybe not.

So right now I’m the one getting the education, and that’s what I’ve learned so far.  And I’m sure I have a lot more to learn. 

I’m not trying to rush her out the door.  No one is packing any boxes.  But when we do we’ll know to load them up with jeans. 

In the meantime, the search continues.

No blue light required.